My posts are going to be a little different this week and perhaps for the next little while. As I mentioned in my last post, I didn’t make it to my weigh-in last Sunday. Being busy made a convenient excuse; the real reason why I didn’t go is because I knew I’d be up almost as much as I’d been down the week before (because of giving in to every single craving I’d had that week). So what was the point in going when I knew what the scale was going to say and it was only going to frustrate me further? Instead, I spent that time cleaning out the fridge and making up a menu to get myself back on track.
So when I weighed in yesterday, my official weigh-in number put me at two pounds above where I’d been two weeks ago. If I’d gone the week between, when I knew I was up about four pounds, this week’s weigh-in might have felt better, because it would have shown me down two pounds instead of up two pounds. But in a way, I think it was good that this happened, because it made me acknowledge the fact that I have had no forward progress in my weight loss in almost nine months. Yep, that’s right. I weigh within five pounds of what I weighed nine months ago—and depending on the week, I’m either over or under that number. But I’ve been yo-yoing within the same ten to fifteen pound spread for that long.
Suddenly, I could see myself as a cartoon character who’s built a wall across the road and since its completion has been walking into the wall repeatedly and not understanding why I’m not getting any farther down the path.
And I realized I have several options. I could just moan and complain, take a few steps back (i.e., indulge in my emotionally fueled cravings), gain a few pounds, and then see “progress” by losing those few pounds again—and keep banging into that wall. I could quit and just go back down the foothills I’ve climbed to get this far (i.e., forget trying to eat healthfully and regain the 50 or so pounds I have lost and then some). Or I could figure out just what that wall is built out of, how high and wide it is, and come up with a plan to go through, over, under, or around it and leave it behind.
I can’t go back. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to face the diabetes and open-heart surgery that are guaranteed if I can’t get my eating and weight under control. But for right now, that’s not enough of an incentive to help me break those food addictions, because even though those are almost guaranteed for me if I don’t get healthier, they’re still theoretical because they’re not immediate threats to my wellbeing.
I’m tired of banging up against the wall and losing and regaining the same five or ten pounds. I’m feeling battered and bruised emotionally and spiritually from this constant pinging back and forth, from doing really well one week and sabotaging myself the next week.
I want to move forward. I want to overcome the wall. I want to conquer whatever it is that’s keeping me from continuing down the path. But first I have to figure it out. And that’s what I’m going to start using this blog for—my exploration into what it is about me that I need to work on that’s keeping me from being and/or feeling successful in my weight-loss journey.
So, first, I’m going to share everything that I wrote during my WW meeting yesterday. As someone who isn’t used to delving deeply into my own psychology to figure out why I do, think, or feel certain things, this was a cathartic task for me—and something that really got me to thinking about why I’m experiencing what I’m experiencing. And the reason I’m doing this is because I want to form an online support community for everyone else who’s feeling the same frustrations, no matter what diet/eating plan you’re using, no matter how much you have to lose, no matter how old you are, no matter what your initial motivation for losing weight was. If we’re going to be honest, let’s honestly look at the root causes of our weight problems and figure out how to overcome those.
What is holding me back from losing weight? Why do I gain when I eat the same kinds of food “everyone else” eats? Why do I have insatiable food cravings that drive me to distraction until I fill them? Why can’t I kick the sugar and fat cravings? Why have I been stuck at the same weight for nine months? Why am I the one person in my generation of my family who was cursed with morbid obesity? Why was I singled out? Where can I find the daily support and encouragement I need? Why don’t I have the willpower to stick to eating healthy foods and making good choices? Why do I hate to exercise so much? What do I gain by giving up foods I’m addicted to? What can I replace those addictions with?
How can I mentally and physically prepare myself for a weekend around the family which will revolve around food?
What is it about me and my feelings toward myself/my physical appearance that is making me self-sabotage and do things that aren’t good for me? Where does the urge to binge come from?
Where can I go to get away from the house, to change up my routine, to put myself in a different frame of mind?
What motivated me to lose weight? What motivated me to join Weight Watchers? Why have I stuck with it for the last nine months when I haven’t seen any real progress?
What do I hope to get out of losing weight? What are the advantages of losing weight? What are the disadvantages of losing weight? What are the advantages/benefits of staying overweight? What are the disadvantages/hazards of staying overweight? How will losing weight affect my view of myself? How will it affect my relationships? How will it affect how people interact with me? How will it affect how I interact with others?
What am I afraid of if I lose the weight?
Do any of those questions sound familiar to you? What are some of the doubts/questions you’re struggling with that might be holding you back?